Have you ever noticed how you have a lot less energy around certain people after talking to them? Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like you were solving problems all day, but nothing got done, and there was no forward progress on any of your projects? Emotional vampires are great at leaving you feeling drained and unfocused at the end of the day. Here’s what an emotional vampire is and how to handle one if you find yourself on a team with one.
What Is an Emotional or Energy Vampire?
According to Judith Orloff, MD, in her Psychology Today article “The Five Types of Emotional Vampires,” an emotional vampire is a person who makes you feel drained or exhausted after an encounter with them. She points out five signs that you may have had an encounter with someone who is serving this toxic role in your life: you’re suddenly ready for a nap, your mood tanks, you have a hankering for comfort foods or sweets, you feel anxious or even depressed, and/or you feel like you’ve been put down.
Reading the signs that you may have an energy vampire in your life, it’s not surprising to hear that encounters with such people tank your productivity. Orloff outlines five types of emotional vampires: narcissists, victims, controllers, constant talkers, and drama queens. Spend an hour with one of these archetypes, and you may find yourself staring at a wall.
How to Handle Emotional Vampires
What do you do if you notice that every time you talk to Jan, you feel like you need a nap afterward, and you know that no further progress will be made on your projects today? This is where boundaries come into play. It is very important to hold firm boundaries with such people and to distance yourself as best as possible. The boundaries you set will depend on the type of emotional vampire you’re dealing with.
Setting Clear Boundaries
Whether it’s choosing to avoid sharing personal information with Jan, who has a history of throwing everyone under the bus when things don’t go her way, or telling the chronic victim that you need to get your project finished and can’t listen to the latest reason she’s upset, you need to be direct.
Being direct with others might not be popular. Narcissists definitely won’t be happy, and those who have a need to have control over everything are also going to express discontent. Victims might be upset you don’t want ot hear about the latest slight against them, the chronic talker will feel unheard, the drama queen may make more drama.
But here’s the thing: they also won’t have access to you, you’ll be protecting your emotions and energy,
Practice Good Self-Care
Avoid folks at lunch who are likely to zap your energy. Work on avoiding oversharing. Have something at your desk that you know lets you refill your bucket if you need to. Take a movement break if you’re able to. Know what you will do to mitigate the damage you feel when others intrude upon your energy. Reach out to others in a non-gossiping way to see if they have similar issues.
Escalate If Needed
If folks aren’t respecting your boundaries, or if they push back or start making things at work uncomfortable, don’t be afraid to escalate to your boss or to human resources. You may find it helpful to document everything, especially since some emotional vampires are also expert gaslighters. That way, when you do have to escalate things, you can keep events straight.
Don’t Let a Bad Interaction Tank Your Day
You talked to Jan. Jan was all about Jan. You now need a nap, an antidepressant, and a good cry. It’s okay to feel that way. It’s okay to take a minute, breathe, and write about it. What’s easier said than done is not allowing yourself to ruminate. I’ve found over the years that the best way to handle the exhaustion after an interaction with an energy vampire is to jump into completing things on my low-spoons task list. This boosts my mood and moves me forward. Soon, I’m back to the big stuff.
What do you do if you feel sapped after interactions with others but still need to get things done? Share your thoughts below, or if you have a lot to say and would like to write a guest post on the topic, email [email protected].
